I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
