Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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