You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
