i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
