You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
