Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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