My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
