I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
