I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
