he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
