Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
