im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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