I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
