Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
