does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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