I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
this will be a night to untag.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
