I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
