i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
