i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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