Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Panties = found
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