I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
