I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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