So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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