Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
