my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
