He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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