I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
