My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i've created a new STD.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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