Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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