I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
