My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
