So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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