remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I faked an abortion last night.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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