He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
