Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
