Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
