I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
