How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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