i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Enjoy the penises
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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