Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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