There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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