So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize