i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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