i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
