I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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