Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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