I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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