Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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