Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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