First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
