my phone needs a breathalizer
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
