soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
