You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
