I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
