Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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