My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize