You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
