Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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