Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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